i have

an awful secret

List of bad ways to wake up

- late in the morning/early afternoon
- after a good dream and you can't sleep again
- being in a good mood until you remember something bad that happened
the night before
- being choked by an iPod
- too hot
- too cold
- blankets that are too heavy
- when someone else wakes you up
- when you wake up and realise you're already late
- wearing a bra
- when your face feels disgusting and dirty from the make-up left on
your face from the night before
- phone or iPod's about to go dead

I don't know what this says about me

but I just realised that all my favourite Say Anything songs are about
sex or hate, haha.

I'm

in Sydney!

I think I'm going to steal

My auntie's new dog!
Jkskskl it's so cute!

I sort of realised ho

w fucking repetitive this blog is. So expect to hear less from me probably.

-

Last night

was good even if the bands weren't.
And there was hail all over the lawn when I woke up?! First time in my life I've ever seen so much.

I feel very

alive. In a quiet unnoticable sort of way.
Goodnight world.

Why are you in school?

are you here for your parents or for you? So they'll be a little pissed off, what're they gonna do, spank you?
Reputation? Who gives a fuck about reputation. The only person you have to answer to is yourself. You make your own rules. The minute you figure that out your free.
- Hugo

Every time any body speaks your name

I still, feel the same. I ache, I ache, I ache, inside.

Hm, things I want to learn on the piano

- Regina Spektor songs
- Last Day on Earth
- Hallelujah

Mm. This weekend was okay. I'm trying to view the world more positively and it's harder than it sounds, haha.

Wow

you really are becoming everything I hate. I can't stand the site of you
any more, when did you turn into such a monster?

Hi, I'm Kirsten and

I'm happy with the person I am.

Lol at my crazy taste in men

but Samuel Johnson from Rush is so fucking sexy.
Ps: If I blog less lately, it's because I went out and bought a diary,
so I've been writing things there rather than here, and also because
lately I don't seem to have enough time even to think about anything -_-

Fuck.

I have to stop saying "<b>tomorrow</b> I'll change"
I have to learn that it has to start right now. I have to stop turning
over new leaves tomorrow because I never do. I need to change this
second. Fuck, I am so fucking lazy and apathetic, it's disgusting.

I don't like people who

talk loudly about how much they hate mainstream culture. You're just as bad as those people who listen to SAFM and shop at Supre. You're both trying to fit in and you both follow trends, the only difference is that you might be trying to fit in with different people and follow different trends. Shunning bands from your ipod just because they 'sell-out'is just stupid, you're just as bad as the masses, and you aren't unique at all. Start fucking thinking for yourself. I like the music I like, and I do what I want to do. So fuck you.

I don

I officially

have too much of an imagination. I had three dreams last night, and one
of them was an ENTIRE MOVIE that I made up. It had subplots and
everything -__- Anyway, everybody's gone to school and work now, so I
think I'll blast my say anything cd. Then I'm going job-hunting and then
I'll go to the show :) Today's gonna be good.

I've been considering

doing the 365 days prooject on flickr. Except I don't want 365 photos of myself. And I don't want photos of just random things. I need a theme, I don't know. Things that make me smile? It'd probably be repetitive
Other people? Again, repetitive and in any case I don't like asking people to take photos of them
I don't know. We'll see I suppose.

Post-script: the 365 days project is when you take a photo of yourself every day for a year, and I think this is a pretty good example of it http://kaylakernphoto.blogspot.com/

Lloyd Dobbler.

Where are you. I need you more and more.

My myspace 'about me'

I'm happy with it, for now at least

I'm Kirsten, I'm sixteen, in year eleven and single. I seem to wear a lot of grey and a lot of scarves and bandanas. I'm as unsure of myself as the next girl, I always feel more comfortable behind the camera than infront of one. I'm always a sucker for a sweet-talker and I'm aware of the fact that at the moment i'm writing the first things that I think of about myself, hoping that eventually I'll be able to sew them together to give you an accurate impression of myself. But the truth is that I could never do that becasue I don't know who I am. Not properly, anyway. I'm constantly surprising myself in the way I feel, act, and even look. I guess the most importatnt thing about my life that I want to communicate is that my life is utterly chaotic and I love it. That and I'm carving out my niche and that I don't intend to stay in this accursed city for much longer.

I WANT TO DO SOMETHING

I don't know what it is, but I really want to do it. I want to drive fast and go on all the rollercoasters and kiss passionately and run as fast as I can for the hell of it and sit outside in the rain and yell and scream and escape from this house and this city and fuck all the consequences. I'm sick of being sedentary. Fuck sdktdsktkdtdkgdflgdlkgdfltkftkldrkltg.

Is this too much to ask for?

A fairytale ending?

I've been

crying a lot lately.

Crazy, crazy dream

It involved me trying to decide what to wear to Soundwave, sitting on a beach, meting my friends blind dad (none of my friends in real life have a blind dad), having someone confess how much they love, and haha I don't remember who it was but somebody's mum was tryng to be 'cool' so she pretended to be me for some estranged reason but I think she was making fun of me, now that I thhink about it.She put on a black beret and a grey tshirt and straightened her hair and started talking about her day"I'm gonna go take photos and then i'm gonna read a book because I have no friends"
me: hey! I have friends!
her: Okay, I'm gonna take photos of my friensd
me: Yeah, that's better
Then for some reason I asked her how many photos she took -to see if she was a legitimate photographer (which ... I don't usually ask people), and she said that she'd taken 16,000 photos that morning, and asked me how many I took. And I thought about it, and I've probably taken thousands.

Then mum came into my bedroom and asked me if I wanted a coffee. Now it's fathers day, I just gave Dad the same thing I give him every year, and we're going out to breakfast at a place that makes really good pancakes :) It's gonna be a good day, I love you dad.

I've come to the conclusion that

the only people who really like me are the people who don't really know me. Then they get to know me and they either realise they don't like me at all or they forget about me, it's been happening for 16 years and I'm going to go watch sad movies and cry, night.

When I

was eight years old
Before puberty took hold
I thought I'd end up beside a princess bride
And love was indivisible
Never mind how my taste reflects
A disturbing oedipal complex
It's not awkward, girl
The compliments are coming next
You're no witch
You're no wench
You're like Bjork with better fashion sense
So phone fifty cents
And I'm building up my confidence
Respect to your work
You're an artist, I'm a silly jerk
I think that dynamic could work
I have a total crush on you, baby
And I can't let it go, oh no
I have a total crush on you, baby
Baby, if only I could let you know
And we spoke, no joke
I started shedding slutty girls like snakeskin
My collection acquired through shallow misdirection
And as I drive tonight
West coast sky daring me to try
I feel alive tonight
The possibility that I'm your guy
Though I suffer from dyslexia
And mild manorexia
My hair cannot commit to one popular genre of music
And though they all claim
That a girl can't take a boy's last name
Or end up divorced and estranged
I'm counting on you
I have a total crush on you, baby
And I can't let it go, oh no
I have a total crush on, baby
Baby, if only I could
Your other suitors are no poets
They're only actors who can't play guitar
Have I won your heart?
They're not students or screenwriters
They're only models that they taught to read
Love, would you agree?
I have a total crush on you, baby
And I can't let it go, oh no
I have a total crush on you, baby
Baby, if only I could
Quite sure you love me, Sherri
Quite sure I love you too
We should make a verbal agreement to only kiss each other
Because one time, beneath the sky
Outside my New York pigsty
I saw a vision of you and I
HA! HA!
Did it hurt?
Did it hurt?
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven, girl?
Did it hurt?
Did it hurt?
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven, girl?
La dada dada da da
La dada da da
La dada dada da da
La dada da da

Story of my life.

Wierd line breaks

happen when I send a blog from my phone as an email. I have no idea why
but I try to fix them whenever I'm actually on a computer.

Mergh. I feel gross and sore and tired. I just wrote a massive blog
about last night and deleted it. I don't know. I don't want you to know
everything. I want a diary.
Whatever I'm going back to sleep, it isn't like anyone wants to spend
time with me today anyway, they all have better things to do. Goodnight.

I love the way that

in movies, everything happens for a reason. Everything that happens, is
essential in plot and character development. Everything happens for a
reason and everything is there for a reason.
I wish real life was like that.

I typed this, yesterday in English, and I just realised I never actually
sent it haha.

I always wondered..

Like ... okay hold on I don't really know how to explain it haha.
Like. Okay. Just say you're drawing a still life of a table that you see
in front of you. But then you started to draw beyond the table - the
floor, the wall behind the table. And you just kept drawing until you
had drawn everything that was in your line of sight. I've always
wondered what shape the drawing would end up being. I can't imagine that
it'd neatly fit onto an A4 page. Not just that, I also want to know what
the things that you can sortof half see out of the corner of your eye'd
look like if you drew it.

I don't know how much sense that makes to someone else.
I need to buy a diary already.

Thursday I'm in love

I can't write

my english story right now. My mind is too full of things. Everything.

This morning

I actually feel alright. Regardless of the fact I have a verryy long day
ahead.

Girls only blog -

I just want this time of the month to be over already so I can stop being so uncertain and angsty. Ughhhh sdlrktdrt guys are lucky.
Just had to put it out there.

Love sucks.

Really, truly.

I always

get ready too early, and end up sitting around for 15/20 minutes
*taps feet*

Reasons I'm looking forward to November 22

- I'm going to learn what it's like to be on a plane for over 25 and
when I get there have it be yesterday
- I get to see Luisa again
- I get to meet Luisa's family
- I get to see Roman again, I hope
- Luisa's friend has an appartment which we can say we're sleeping at
and then go wherever we want
- German people are cute
- I've always wanted to know what it's like to live in a non-English
speaking country
- I'm going to have a white Christmas for the first time in my life
- I get to visit the Christmas Markets
- The fact that I don't know what to expect
- I don't have to see my family for 10 weeks
- Considering I'll be in one of the biggest cities in the world, they
presumably don't have the same problem that Adelaide has - everyone's
bored all of the time and hangs out at the same places every week
- The fact that I'll be in one of the largest cities in the world
- I won't have to worry about Adelaide's shitty small-town dramas
- I'm keen to be fluent in another language
etc etc etc

The happiest I've been in a while

Was on saturday night when I was sitting on the bottom bunk with
Georgia, and we had sheets hanging down from the top bunk to make a
fort, and we were both reading rip it up, and for some reason botth
pretended to be really excited about reading about the Onion Record
Fair, and then really sad when we realised it had been on that day
already, even though neither of us knew what the Onion Record Fair was.
Then we went into the living room and both pretended to be reverse
claustrophobics who were having panic attacks over being in such a large
space because we were in the quilt tent for so long, and it was really
retarded but really fun, I don't know anyone else who I can act like
that around without worrying that they'll think I'm a complete freak and
haha it's great.
I blog too much.

Thing's I'd do differently if I had the chance

Nothing, nothing at all. Everything's good.

I'm proud of my life, and the things that I've done.
Proud of myself, and the loner I've become.

SJkdtjdstldrlk iunno.

My favourite photo I favourited today

I think, essentially I'm just trying to distract myself from thinking about what was happening a year ago exactly. No, I'm fine, really.

http://www.dear-god.net/

Check it out.

"Dear God, When are you going to let all those who believe in you know that you don’t exist? I find it alarming, scary in fact, that so many blindly devote themselves, act on the behalf of, and talk to something that quite clearly doesn’t exist. You’ve kept a firm grip on society through promoting shame, guilt and fear - not of your wrath - but of humanity and life itself. I get that many of us need ’something’ to believe in, I get that. But it’s still very sad to know that a fairy tale has become the biggest prank in history. I’m sorry people, but no matter who or what you act on behalf of, what YOU do in this life still matters. Who you hurt, who you shame, who you love and who you help determines who you are - what you believe is irrelevant - pain, suffering, joy and love are real.

The reason god knows everything you do, is because god IS you! It’s a joke. Don’t you get it?"

Well

I'm not reven in a bad mood :) Rather than wallowing in the fact that today would have been our one year anniversary, I'm proud of what I'vebecome since I got rid of him from my life. Which I didn't expect to feel haha, I'm surprised :)
I want to say that I hope he's happy, but I don't. I hope he knows what >today is, but there's no way he does. But none of that matters any more because I'm free now, he has his life and I have mine, and I'm so happy to have let it go
Wow, I feel amazing.